Will Tango For Tulips

I went to do my duety today in one of the bathrooms here on campus. Apparently in one of our newer buildings we’ve upgraded all of our toilets to auto flush. This is all fine and well up until when I want to actually flush the toilet.

I was busy doing what people normally do while they sit on the toilet. You know, talk to the person in the stall next to them, whistle a few tunes, make boats out of toilet paper, write obscene messages on the stall walls, kick the door a little bit during those grilling moments, and so forth.

So, I just sat down and got started. I am in the middle of putting together the deck of my boat and *FLUSH*. I immediately shot up, standing erect (that is to say, the position of my body was very straight). My toilet had flushed without my consent. I hadn’t even moved. Who knows what kind of stuff it might suck down during it’s whole spinning and whirling process. Worse yet, it took the boat I was working on.

At any rate, I couldn’t just leave now. So I sat down again. About a minute later, the toilet flushes again, without my consent - spin, whirl, and so on. This time I did a kind of “Ooooh!” toilet hover maneuver. It’s similar to the crab walk, but a bit more distance between you and the object you’re essentially crab walking over- in this case, a toilet (I don’t recommend trying it at home). Once the toilet was done flushing, I plopped back down and finished up.

The ironic thing about all this. The toilet had flushed twice, but at the wrong times. Yet when I needed it to flush at the very end, I couldn’t for the life of me get that stupid sensor to go off. I tried sitting down again. No luck. I even tried making another boat and offering it as a sacrifice. While the boat sank, there was no flush, whirl, and spin. I finally left the stall, guilty of the remaining contents, and frustrated with technology.

I’ll tell you what. You can give me the extra money it cost to put in that stupid sensor and buy an old fashioned toilet.

Also, if you create a boat toilet like me and take a picture of it, i’ll put it up on here.