Will Tango For Tulips

This originally started with a conversation I had with kalie. I was talking about how I had massive dark circles under my eyes, and how I looked like a zombie. But a totally lame zombie. She told me I should improve. I was then given this piece of advice, “upgrade your tactics so that you are an awesome 21st century zombie”. She then went on to suggest using guns. Because guns are always good. I told Nedicus about the conversation and he said…well I’m just gonna copy and paste because I’m lazy.

A 21st century zombie improvement? A spit upgrade. You’d totally spit zombie action. Like a combination of those spitty dinosaurs that totally take out unsuspecting tourists and lame little kids. The spit could temporarily paralyze them, making their brains yours for the taking.

Oh, and the lame, primal zombie instincts would also be re-engineered to find the local armor shop. This would ensure the first thing a zombie does is grab a helm. Every zombie could use a helm. I mean, imagine how many more zombies there would have be if they had helms! Bullets to the face? Arrows? Moccasins? No way will those take out a helm-zombie. Actually, while they’re at the armory they’d totally grab gauntlets, too. That way they’d get really tired of holding their arms up all weird like. Give them a bit more stealth, ya know? Hide the usual ‘zombie walk’. Get some sneak attacks in there.

Imagine. You’re walking along and some dude with a helm is walking over to you. You’re like “Whoa. This guys got a helm. Hardcore. I’m going to go talk to him.” Then BAM. Acid in the face. You try to scream or run, but you end up in some weird position because you’re paralyzed. Then the zombie totally draws all over your face with a sharpy. Because that’s what 21st century zombies do.

I also suggest 21st Century Zombies have motor skills above that of a toddler. I’m not talkin’ about them sticking their pinkies out when they drink tea, but come on.

Normal zombies are stupid. “Uh-oh, a closed door. Although just the other day I was trading stock on wallstreet, since I became a zombie, I have no idea how to open this door. Maybe if I moan and kinda pound against it, it MIGHT open.” But of course, it would be more like this in the zombies mind: “Gryehauelij!!ijehgei!!!!!”.

I’m not asking for much. Just an upgrade from “toddler” to, oh I dunno, maybe “first grade”. That’s not asking too much. And what’s up with zombie speed? Most zombies move slower then slow moving objects. Like a snail. But I guess that really depends on if it’s your “raised from the dead” zombie or your “disease/mutation zombie”. Well, nevermind that then.

Anyway, back to the 21^st Century Zombies. I think they should be able to open those really hard to open jars. You know the ones I’m talking about. Those damn jars that thwart your every attempt at opening them. Even though you put it under warm water for several minutes and use those strips of grippy stuff. I think that’s a good zombie skill to have. You can never be too sure when the craving for some pb&j strikes while you’re out terrorizing the neighborhood. And one last thing before I go.

Zombie Hygiene. They always look so terrible nasty and dirty. And I’m sure they have cat food breath. And no one likes cat food breath. Especially when you’re about to be eaten by a horde of zombies. I’m not saying that they have to smell like flowers, but at least take a shower once a week and brush your teeth. PLEASE. For our sake.