Mustaches And You: A Tale OF AWESOME

Published by Ferret June 24th, 2009 in Mustaches and Awesome. 4 Comments


I’m here to talk to you about mustaches. Yes mustaches. Not only are they manly, they also provide many other underrated advantages. I’ll give you TEN reasons why mustaches are totally awesome. ONE: They can be used to store food. Man, that steak was delicious, I wish I had more. BUT WAIT!! With a mustache, you can! Pick a few tasty morsels out, and relive that steaks former glory! TWO: They can help block the wind and/or cold. Man, it sure is windy/snowy out here. But with a mustache, your upper lip is nice and toasty!  THREE: More regal then a full beard, and more badass then a clean shaven face. What would have happened if Snidely Whiplash didn’t have his dastardly mustache? He’d be just another random dude. But with his dastardly mustache, he because AN ARCHVILLAIN. How cool is that? All thanks to a badass mustache. FOUR: Mustache’s when designed properly can be substitutes to hang gliders and floating devices, making them emergency-use friendly. Hey guys, lets go hang gliding! But you don’t even have a hang glider. No, BUT I HAVE A MUSTACHE. OH NO! Our plane crashed into the atlantic ocean! Every one, grab your floatation devices and remain calm! No thanks, flight attendant! I’ll just use my SICK-ASS MUSTACHE! And of course you would be calm. Because you have a mustache. FIVE: It gives you something to twirl while contemplating what awesome thing youre going to do that day. Just imagine sitting around trying to think of something to do. Then image sitting around trying to think of something to do…WHILE TWIRLING YOUR MUSTACHE.  Man that is awesome. A top hat and/or monocle may or may not be involved in this process.  Which would make it even more awesome. SIX:  This bad ass quote would apply to you “There are two kinds of people in this world that go around mustacheless — boys and women — and I am neither one.”  You know who said that? The fucking Greeks. SEVEN: You can offer free mustache rides.  And you know what? People would pay YOU for mustache rides. Because mustaches are AWESOME. EIGHT: Lions will not attack you, for they fear the wrath of your mustache. They respect the mustache. It’s the human version of their mane. While this doesn’t work on eyebrow snakes, the eyebrow snake WILL eat you last if you’re in a group. They too, respect the mustache. They just don’t fear it. NINE: Having a mustache WILL get you out of a speeding ticket.  What seems to be the problem, officer? As you sit there twirling your ‘stache. HOW AWESOME IS THAT?! No officer of the law will give you a ticket if you have a mustache. It’s in the officer oath. Or pledge. Or whatever officers have. They will RESPECT AND PROTECT THE MUSTACHE ABOVE ALL ELSE. That’s how awesome mustaches are. TEN: The tenth and final reason why mustaches are awesome is simply this: Tom FUCKING Selleck.

I’m going list a few AWESOME, MANLY men that have sported the noble mustache over the years. Mario. Yeah, that’s right. Mario. That’s why he always rescues the princess in the end, and bowser will never win. Because Mario has a mustache. Kaiser Wilhelm II. Yeah, that’s right, a damn KAISER has a badass mustache. That thing is truly epic. You should check it out. Those two are all you ever need to look up to. And of course the aforementioned Tom Selleck.

And one more interesting mustache fact. On the Eighth Day, God created the Mustache in his image, and it was good.

edit: I think that was pretty good for getting written in about 10 minutes.

edit2: feel free to change sick-ass mustache to sick ass-mustache for a different reading experience.

edit3: if you’re lucky, i might actually format this. but after you read this, didn’t you have a feeling of accomplishment after having beaten this travesty of modern literature? I know I did.

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Handicap Drivers And You: A Report On Douche Baggery

Published by Ferret April 15th, 2009 in Rants and Reports. 6 Comments

Anyone ever notice how bad handicap people suck at parking? I notice this all the fuckin’ time. I mean, yeah, you’re handicapped. Big whoop. It sucks. But that is no excuse for parking like a douchebag. I was at the grocery store the other day and I looked at this hooooooooorrendous park job. “look at this douchebag,” I thought to myself. I happen to notice the car being in a handicapped spot. I thought nothing of it at the time. But as the days went by, I started to see more and more of it.  At target, at other places with parking spots….I mean look, i understand you’re handicapped. That sucks. But that doens’t give you the right to park like a douchebag. Half the time the spots they give you are almost double the size of a normal parking place. Yet you guys STILL manage to fuck up parking. You know what happens when other people fuck up their park job? They FIX IT! it takes another minute to fix your damn park job so you’re not talking up three spots or sticking halfway into the road. well…i guess it really isn’t a road. and it’s not really and isle…..the place in the parking lot where you drive. STOP STICKING OUT SIX FEET INTO THAT AREA. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO DRIVE THERE. And you successfully bottle necked that whole area and slowed traffic to a crawl. And it’s not just parking. I’ve noticed at an alarming rate the number of cars with handicap plates or decals suck at driving as well. eratic lane changes, cutting people off, driving 20 miles under the posted speed limit……the list goes on and on. Basically, what it boils down to, is just because you’re handicapped doesn’t mean you can park and drive like a douchebag. If it did, there would be a sudden influx of handicapped drivers. and that would just make me angry. And then i’d turn green and all my clothes would rip off as I grew a great deal. But thankfully my pants would be made of elastic or similar material. but they’d still get frayed a little bit on the bottom. Just to make me look that much more frightening. as if being green didn’t frighten them enough. And nobody wants that.

But you know what people do want? otter pops. those things are awesome. and it’s just 3 grams of sugar and 15 calories per frozen otter. So everyone can enjoy without a guilty conscious. thanks for tuning in america.

and by america i mean no one.

Edit: I realized i repeated myself and that first sentence really doesn’t make sense. but i dont really edit what write. it’s a hassle. I started this post probably two years ago, and never got around to finishing it. also, otter pops are really awesome. so are polar bears.

dude…..polar bear pops….. I’d call them Polar Pops. And the box would show some polar bears lounging next to an igloo, eating some polar pops. they’d contain 100% juice. and they’d have a mystery white one. it would taste just like polar bear. man. that’s gold.

Edit2: interrogative. does anyone actually read this?

and i got 2 hits from helsinki.  they actually stayed on the site for 14 and 17 seconds respectively. hahah “helsinki” always make me want to write helslinky. and then i picture of the devil playing with a slinky. Which is humorous on many levels. hopefully i dont have to explain.

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Oh Hai

Published by Ferret January 13th, 2009 in WTF. 0 Comments

https://twitter.com/LuckBeatsLife
If you can’t handle the truth, get out of the kitchen.

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A Small Taste

Published by Ferret December 18th, 2008 in Story Time and WTF. 1 Comment

We have a huge desk calendar at work and it has this long skinny notes section at the side. So me and my buddy were going to put some creepy edgar allan poe in there. But we decided to write out own stuff. here is a small taste of whats coming up after we finish. this is from memory, so actual experience may vary.

I wanted to do something today……but for the life of me i cannot remember.

It is gnawing at the back of my brain

like a ravenous wombat

trying to free itself from the confines of my own mind!

it’s basically this short short story about a man who starts to delve in the darkness of his own mind after forgetting what he wanted to do one day. it’s actually pretty fucking awesome so far.

so fucking enjoy it.

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Haiku To Pass The Time

Published by Ferret December 8th, 2008 in Haiku. 2 Comments

I found a toaster

it was made of plastic stuff

i can’t find my shoes

i can’t find my sleeves

i think i left them outside

no, that was my shoes

I once updated

on a regular basis

and it was awesome

this day is way lame

it’s a case of the mondays

this ending is weak

the old man rode east

to find the city of gold

all he found was shoes

i lost my shoes once

they were in my vehicle

how did they get there

no more haikus now

i’m running out of ideas

okay just this one

edit: okay, wordpress hates firefox and safari, i can’t properly format this post. i’ll fix later maybe.

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Updates

Published by Ferret December 5th, 2008 in Apologies. 2 Comments

I know I haven’t updated…in well forever, but I’ve been out of country and busy with work. But I’ll try my best to get an update out this weekend.

then maybe people will visit. o:

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Why I hang out with 5 year olds

Published by Nedicus June 22nd, 2008 in Uncategorized. 0 Comments

We had some great weather today. It was pouring rain and the thunder was so loud I thought I would use the opportunity to steal a car because I figured the owner would never suspect their car alarm would legitimately be going off. I do need a new car but I made the moderately-wiser-but-unfortunately-not-as-awesome-decision and opted for a walk.

Funny thing about walks in Wilmington during thunder storms. You learn very quickly that this city was probably built by someone who grew up making sandcastles. They always look neat… until a wave comes. Then the combination of crappy planning and uneven roads leads to the slow erosion of the city of sand… and underwater we go!

Then again, the sandcastle either goes underwater or it gets crushed by some giant ass 5 year old who has no respect for your work of art. Were some baby giant to stomp on Wilmington, we’d nuke that kids ass. I figure the same drop-kick mentality should then be able to be cross applied to sandcastle crushers. I’ve heard sand castle crushing doesn’t hold up well in a court of law when claiming provocation from a 5 year old as defense to assault, however. Something about a reasonable person.

Who wants to be reasonable?

That’s the beauty of being a kid, really. You can be entirely unreasonable. For example, I always used to wonder what the hell went through a kids mind when they stomp on my sandcastle. Then I realized that’s just it. Their “don’t fuck with people” sensor is broken at that age, and their youth gives them protection. I think exactly like that kid who smashes my sandcastle. Some guy on a bike rides by and I want to slam a stick in his spokes. Don’t pretend you don’t imagine doing the same thing. Of course, I don’t actually slam a stick in his spokes, but only because I’ve got that sensor in place. A 5 year old however…

And that’s where the word vicarious comes from.

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Sock Gnomes: Shameless Thieves, Or Government Agents?

Published by Ferret June 22nd, 2008 in WTF and Rants. 1 Comment

We all know about the infamous Sock Gnomes, sneaking about in the night stealing your socks when you least expect it. The real question, however, is, are they acting on their own accord, or acting on behalf of the government? Think about it, how many socks could these gnomes need? Think of all the socks you and people you know have lost over the years. I’m sure it’s good amount. Now, what use could the gnomes have for all of those socks? Are they selling them on the black market for some despot’s nefarious scheme? Do they sell them to hobos out on the streets? Do they use them in their tiny gnome homes for blankets and curtains? Or do they do the governments work, by stealing your socks, making you buy more, and thus, stimulate the economy? That is the only reasonable conclusion that you can come to. Hobos are still sock-less, I have yet to see a sock furnished gnome home, and I still haven’t seen any well furnished gnome homes. But, if they are in fact, agents of the government trying to stimulate the economy, why is our economy still in such horrid shape? I can offer up a few speculations as to why that is. One such reason is a decline in gnome population. As we all know, gnomes are subterranean dwellers, and as human population grows unchecked, the gnome population decreases at an alarming rate. But why is that, you might find yourself asking. The answer in simple, they dwell under the earth, under places such as gardens, and fields. But with the human population on the rise, there is a need for new housing, and of course, commercial buildings to support the population growth. That means more concrete foundations, clearing of forests and paving over of once fertile fields. So there are now less and less desirable places for gnomes to live. This forces them to move to more rural areas. Areas with fewer socks, such as Canada and Mexico. Another reason as to why the governments program of sock thievery isn’t working, is the lack of reproduction in the gnome population. Without gnomes giving birth, the ratio of the elderly to the young, it tipping dangerously to the elderly side. This leaves the current gnome population with bad eyesight, aching joints, and alzheimer’s. And with the speed of current washers and dryers, this poses quite a feat for aging gnomes. So whether it be aging gnomes, or gnomes heading off to Canada and Mexico for greener pastures, the government either needs to call off it’s sock stealing gnome army, or fix the programs problems and get the economy back on track. I can deal with a few stolen socks if it means a more stable economy. But I will not stand for stolen socks with no clear result. I hope you all feel the same.

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Cops And Grandmas

Published by Ferret October 12th, 2007 in Uncategorized. 5 Comments

I was thinking the other day….. WHY NOT MAKE GRANDMAS COPS!?!?!??!?! It’s ingenious. Who would ever see coming? Say you’re speeding and you start to pass this cop looking vehicle… you see an old lady driving it, so you don’t slot down and keep speeding. BAM you get pulled over, by the VERY SAME GRANDMA!! You’re feeling belligerent, so you decide to get a little belligerent. It’s only a grandam right? WRONG SUCKA! This grandma is trained in kung-fu. WHO WOULD SEE THIS SHIT COMING!??!?!! NOT A SOUL!!!! Except, me and the two people that read this shit. Genius idea.
But this is a genius idea. it’ll cut crime in half! maybe even 3/4! Fuckin’, karate ninja grandmas will fuck your world up. SO STAY SAFE. AND BEWARE OF KUNG FU NINJA GRANDMAS!

edit: i use belligerent twice in the same sentence. and i spelled shit wrong. so sue me.

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Urinals And You: A Report

Published by Ferret October 2nd, 2007 in Rants. 1 Comment

Every time I take a piss in a public urinal, I always seem to notice how people position themselves for the urination. Some seem to be almost standing in the urinal. What’s up with that? It seems like it would splash a hell of a lot. Plus, it probably quadruples the chance of coming into contact with public urinal germs. which are pretty brutal. I wonder how these guys function at home. Cause it’s really hard to get close to to an actual toilet. Unless they maybe aim straight down? Or perhaps they sit on the tank and piss from there. This will be a mystery to me. Because you can tell a lot from a person by how they piss into a public urinal. And i dont associate with any of the extremists. The second group, is the fellows that stand like 2+ feet back from the urinal. This isn’t the long shot competition, tiger. Step up to the plate and take a piss. It’s rather annoying, because they tend to crowd the walking space in more cramped public restrooms. Mother fuckers. And I wonder what the hell they do at home. stand in the tub and piss from there? or maybe they stand down the hall and try to use their pinpoint pissing accuracy. Maybe they should make the urination olympics for these people. And then theres the more conservative group. Not too far, and not to close. The fucking goldie locks of stances. Just right. This is a good group to be in. We feel no need to show off our accuracy or distance. No need to climb into the urinal to take a piss. Just a nice foot or so back and relieve ourselves. We have nothing to prove to the other two factions. We just do our thing and get out. ‘Cause that’s all it’s about. Dont be an extremist. Urinate in a practical manner and we can all get along.

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